"Your boobs have no power over me"

From the "Best of Craigslist - Portland"
My fave so far...

"Dear Cute Young Paranoid Lady"

Yes, I saw you. Yes, you are probably attractive to a certain demographic. Yes, I am unattractive to a larger demographic. Yes, I am middle aged and overweight.

In spite of this, it is not necessary to fear me. Fox News, Nancy Grace, and KPTV Channel 12 have told you about every single murderer and rapist in existence. Please note they have never mentioned me. I am one of the very few middle aged men who have decided not to dedicate his life to committing violent crimes against women.

There are indeed evil men in the world. I am not one of them. If you encounter me alone on the street you needn't quicken your pace or duck into Starbucks. If you end up in line next to me, you don't have to position a backpack or purse in the airspace between us. You needn't fail to say a muffled “excuse me” when you reach across me to grab a straw. Fleeting eye contact with me will not be interpreted as an invitation to stalk you. Even if you acknowledge my existence, I will be able to resist engaging you in an overly familiar conversation. I am not dying to get to know you. I am not trying to read the name on your credit card. I will not find it necessary to contrive an accident which allows me to touch your arm, thigh, breast, or ass.

Fortunately for you I am GAY. Couldn't tell huh? There are a few of us who don't wear leather chaps, dresses, bangles, or rainbow visors.

So, you see, I'm not trying to imagine you naked or catch a peek of your cleavage. Your boobs have no power over me. Can you believe it? I'm not attempting to mentally photograph you in order to fuel future masturbatory sessions. I am able to live forever without carnal knowledge of you. Should we end up the sole survivors on a deserted planet, you will remain childless and humanity will end.

So, could you just calm down?